a love(hate) letter to death: i do(nt) want to live forever

juice wrld, legend what's the 27 club? we ain't making it past 21

juice wrld died at his predicted 21, overdosing at the height of his career lil peep died at 21, of a similar fate xxxtentacion at 20, shot in a burglary

what's the point of living?

but they didn't know they were gonna die when they died - so they didn't die bc of a lack of purpose

taylor swift, i dont want to live forever i don't want to live forever cuz ik ill be living in pain and i dont wanna fit wherever i just wanna keep calling ur name until u come back home

we take everything for granted. it's a fallacy of the human experience. how i reminisce.

things i do feel meaningless. like there is no point, like at the whim of the wind, it all goes wasted with little to show for it. like i'm not in control of the ship. that someone else is steering it.

i despised being a swe, bc i couldn't see the point. elders say to persist bc u can and that u r better than u were before bc of the path that u r on.

i think that their wisdom comes from a different time. a time of lack. we r in an era of abundance.

and that's true of any path. ig what im trying to say is im looking for the right path.

previously i wanted to die at 21. my mom said 不要乱说 (stop that nonsense), but if they r supportive of whatever i do, why can't it be death too? i saw no point in living. i wanted to burn out and

kesha, die young let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

whiplash, andrew neiman i'd rather die drunk, broke at 34 and have people at a dinner table talk about me than live to be rich and sober at 90 and nobody remember who i was

he says 34 but i remembered 21. i was obsessed w the number. (it's also half of 42, which says something. it's only HALF of 42)

in china they say 黄赌毒 (porn gambling drugs) should never be touched. but in america it's everywhere, but that's besides the point.

why can't u touch drugs? all the great artists did. so what if it kills u. if it can heighten my performance/experience, why not?

i want optionality. i dont want responsibility.

i feel trapped. like i can't do smth even if i wanted to bc there's a nagging voice that requires me to perform.

i'm performing. putting on a performance. a clown.

ik that with time ill figure shit out, but that i'll have new shit to figure out. but u just can't help but wonder when.

i romanticize death. i romanticize drugs. but then so does popular media, so maybe that makes me no better than a sheep.

i didn't want to die at 21 anymore bc i mimed erudition and worldly knowledge.

but what's the point.

there r only so many things to experience in the world. i've experienced nothing compared to that but idc if this is all i experience.

i do want to die at 21.

i should be natural selected against. it only helps nature's gene pool.

thinking outside of the context of doing always leads to bad places.

how did i constantly delude myself out of death? how will i?

in my pit of despair, i watched rick and morty, and somehow stumbled upon

dan harmon interview the knowledge that nothing matters, while accurate, gets u no where the further back u pull, the more that truth will endure but if u zoom in to the micro level, that's where everything matters everything is the meaning of life we have this fleeting chance to participate in an illusion called "i love my gf/dog" every place is the center of the universe every moment is the most important moment everything is the meaning of life

coming home, seeing my friends, and laughing at funny jokes

that moment was truly the most important moment :)